Stillbirth is still giving birth...

I write this post in the hopes that there is greater understanding of what a mother endures, whether her baby is born breathing or still.  I have been writing this in my head for over three years, since after my first son James' stillbirth.  Three years later, just over a month since my second son Zachary was born still, I feel compelled to share some realities of delivering a baby who is born still.

The biggest reality, a baby born still is still born.

In very real terms, a mom must give birth to her baby, whether they are alive or dead.

What does this mean?

This means that just like any labour and delivery, a woman who has a "stillborn" has laboured and delivered.  She has endured a marathon just as a mother of a baby who breathes air in this world.  Whether she went into labour on her own, or was induced, she faced the same daunting task as those whose babies live.  She endured the contractions, the pain, hard labour, pushing and of giving birth.  The difference between a live birth and a still birth?  These moms did all the same work, but had the additional emotional and mental trauma of knowing that when their baby was born, their baby would not be breathing, their baby would not cry, there would be silence and they would have to say hello and goodbye at the same time.  Many moms deliver their silent babies in maternity wards, whereby the silence in their own rooms is filled with noise from adjacent delivery suites.  They are hearing other moms labour, hearing babies being born crying and hearing celebrations after births. 

When a woman "sign's up" for pregnancy, she is aware that there will be many ups and downs in the weeks and months leading up to delivering her baby.   She is aware that it will require a lot of hard work before and during labour.  She signs up for this job because she is also aware that the reward is the best there is in life.  She will become a mother, either for the first time or all over again, no matter what pregnancy this is for her.  She understands that she will soon have a baby in her arms that is hers.  She has hopes and dreams for her baby from the moment she and her partner decide to conceive.  When discovering she is pregnant she starts to plan for the future, she is a mother and her world is about to change.  I don't mean to exclude partners here either, as both parents experience all of this together.  They are a team and share in the joys and challenges of their pregnancy.

When a baby is born alive, there is no shortage of congratulations.  There are big celebrations and showers of love and acknowledgment that mom did an amazing job of bringing baby into the world.  There are comments such as "well done", "she's beautiful", "he's perfect", "love the name", "so proud of you", you get the point, I could go on and on.  You just have to turn on any source of media this week to see the world in a frenzy of well wishes and comments about a newborn baby in England.  All of these congratulations and celebratory messages are indeed well-deserved and a right of passage into parenthood.  It is a joyful time and it is what we should be doing to welcome a new baby.  I do it too.  And I too received a barage of well wishes when my daughter was born.

Here's the thing: 

Parents of stillborn babies still need to hear from you too.  They too did an amazing job, they too had beautiful babies, they too took the time to give their precious child the perfect name, and they too delivered a perfect baby.  They need to be told how proud you are of them.  So many moms and dads of babies born still don't hear these things.  They aren't regarded as "having given birth".  Instead of hearing what every parent needs to hear, bereaved parents of stillborn babies often hear nothing from many family and friends, or often, hear unintentionally hurtful words and statements. 

I write this for the many bereaved parents of stillborn babies, those we know about, and those we don't.  I write this to celebrate all that they did to bring their precious baby into this world, just to say goodbye.  I am fortunate to have met many bereaved parents in the last month, whose baby's I have met through them.  The strength and courage each has, is truly remarkable. 

On a personal note, I cannot write all the above without acknowledging the support that we have received.  For this support, we are very thankful.  We are grateful for the family and friends that have reached out in their own ways.  Some use words, phone calls, cards, emails, texts, others hugs, time and an ear.  Some have cooked us dinner, cared for our daughter and others have cracked a joke and tried to make us laugh.  We are grateful for the love and encouragement we do receive, and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts in helping us walk this path.

It is my wish that no one else endures a stillbirth, that no other parents have to walk this path.  That is not reality though, because with birth, comes death.  I hope if you are reading this and you are fortunate enough not to belong to this club, that you remember this, so that if in the future, someone you know devastatingly becomes a bereaved parent of a stillborn baby, that you reach out to them. Let them know how sorry you are, but also how proud of them you are.  Acknowledge them as you do any mother who gives birth.  Do not shy away from talking to bereaved parents about their baby.  Just as any parent who has just given birth, they too have a baby to share and a story to tell.